I was that girl that always wanted to fall in love. I wanted to fairytale wedding, I wanted my very own prince charming, I wanted to be rescued and taken care of for the rest of my fucking life. But as a I got older, I started realizing that love doesn't exist. At least I didn't think it did. But I still looked for it. To me, love was like fucking Big Foot: rumored to exist but never proven, except for some possibly staged grainy photos of a guy in a horrible monkey suit. I've had fuck buddies, I've had boyfriends, I've had live-ins, but whenever they ended, I was not super torn up. I was used to being with the person. I was dependent on their companionship more than anything. But it was never love.
And then came August 2009. That's when I started hanging out with this guy. For the sake of this blog, we shall call him Fuck Face. Fuck Face and I went to a leadership school together and even though we weren't supposed to sleep with people at this school, we started sleeping together. Fuck it. We didn't know anybody else there, so we decided to pass whatever free time we had naked in each other's beds. Who the fuck cares. It was supposed to stop when we graduated two weeks later. He had a girlfriend. I didn't care. He didn't care. No big fucking deal. So we graduated and I stopped texting him and calling him, I was nice at work. But I definitely was not trying to start anything serious. Love did not exist for me, and I wasn't going to put myself in a position to be proved wrong.
Two weeks after we graduated and I had ignored him, he text me. I had deleted his number out of my phone, I didn't know who the person texting me was, and as soon as I found out I tried to put him in the friends category. But for whatever reason, he didn't stay there. We started sleeping together and I tried to put up an emotional wall because I knew he had a girlfriend who was stationed in Germany and I'm a single parent, I didn't want my daughter around somebody that was just going to walk away. But whatever. Then he was around all the time. And we were doing things together all the time. And he was hanging out with my daughter and he loved her and he was AMAZING with her. And before I knew what was happening, we were going to the unit Christmas party together and I was head over heels in love with him. Damn near 24 years old and I fell in love for the first time.
It was rocky to say the least. He got mad if I talked to other guys (he still had his girlfriend in Germany, mind you) and at one point he stopped talking to me. A couple weeks later I found out I was pregnant and because he STILL wasn't talking to me and I already had one baby with a guy that refused to talk to me, I knew I couldn't do it again and I had an abortion. Probably not the wisest choice, especially because four months later I got drunk and told him. Anyways, not long after he ended up knocking his girlfriend up and they got married. We said we were going to stop. No more. And for like a week that worked. But then we got drunk and we started screwing around again.
We even deployed together. That's where everything started going downhill. He met this infantry guy on mission and introduced us "for the purpose of getting over him". But when I actually started hanging out with this person and talking to him, Fuck Face got mad at me and stopped talking to me. Broke down, told his wife everything (this would be the...second time that she found out about me and him. The first time was when they were dating). I had to leave early because I got hurt, and he asked me if I slept with this other guy that he had introduced me to while I was in Kuwait waiting for a flight home. I told him the truth: yeah, once, and I thought it was a huge mistake. Did that matter to Mr. Married Fuck Face? No of course not. I had "cheated" on him. Whatever. He was married. So we didn't really talk that much until my whole team came back three months later.
Annnnnnnd...we started sleeping together AGAIN. Before he went home on leave he started talking about leaving his wife for me AGAIN. Hell, when he was on leave in Germany we were emailing back and forth and she was reading the emails (meaning she found out THREE SEPARATE TIMES ABOUT US) that we were sending back and forth so he was convinced she was going to leave. But of course, she didn't. And he made the decision, three days before my birthday, to walk away.
I know I probably don't have the right to bitch. Fuck Face is married. I made a conscious effort to stop, but I just didn't have the willpower to keep that going. But at least I learned the following from this bullshit experience that I never want to go through again: LOVE DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. IT IS AN ILLUSION OF THE FUCKING MIND. And, at the very least, Fuck Face taught me that.
